The "Gas Station" Story

We all have that gas station that we go to because it's ours, convenient, and personal for whatever reason. For six months, as I went to mine as part of my daily routine, I came into contact with a man I’ll call “Joe” sitting outside the store. Joe was unhoused and struggling. Each day, he would ask me for money. I didn’t feel comfortable giving it to him, but I always made conversation, checked on him, tried to learn more about his journey, and offered to take him inside for food or drinks. Each day was a new experience with him, but over time, he did begin to open up in the midst of what he was experiencing day to day on the streets and with his own mental health. Some days he was more open, and other days he was closed off. I never wavered in the connection regardless.

I would bring him out some water on a hot day or a sandwich. Sometimes he would refuse it, and other days he would smile slightly. I never changed my mannerisms or desire to connect from a place of love. I started to notice judgments from passersby sometimes. Once overhearing a “Why are you wasting your time?” That cut deep in my soul. How did we drift so far from basic kindness for people struggling?

Then one day, as I was running late for work, I quickly stopped in to grab something, and Joe said, “Hey, I’m hungry.” I waved him to follow me, and we entered the store. When I tell you that I had one of the most beautiful interactions I’ve had in a long time with another human being, I’m not exaggerating. We connected quickly, and his true spirit was on display. We laughed and joked. At one point, he poked me; that's how intimate the interaction was, and I let him lead. I was a welcome bystander as he grabbed what he wanted and continually asked if this was too much. The answer was always no, please grab whatever you would like. I was reveling in the fact that he was enjoying himself, and he was opening up.

We made it to the register, and I put his stuff in a bag and handed it to him. He began to walk towards the door as I finished up the transaction. I noticed him stop at the door, as if it were too heavy to open. He paused there for a few seconds, then began yelling and ran out of the store. The guy working the register began laughing and asked me, “ What did you do that for?” That piercing statement rocked my soul, and I could feel the anger boiling inside of me. My response was simple: “You tell me why this man was outside your store for 6 months in crisis, and the first time someone is kind to him, he doesn’t even know how to close out the interaction?”

The problem is the US vs THEM mentality; there is no us or them, and we need to lead with kindness and connection to close the gap created by shame, guilt, trauma, and substance use disorder. The last thing anyone needs in a crisis is more shame or disconnection.